its never easy to look at you, to see that sometimes you are more part of the problem, them the solution, i had become a junkie, a junkie of Anna love, since the start of the year, like any junkie, it start not bad, but them it start to worse, and worse, it was a classic process, like you become a drug addictions, i start to lose interest in everything else around me, all the things i like, all the people around me, they all start not interesting me, i start a strange process, i start a spiral process, i was more and more addicted to this!! you dont enjoy life, you cannot find joy, you cannot have peace, its so bad i lose a lot of weight, and hair, yes, i start to lose a lot of hair, i couldn’t watch tv, listen the radio, i was a mess, i was a source of negativity, i had become a junkie!!!!! i was in a moving in a nervous breakdown, i was moving towards a huge depression!!!
I had a case of a close family member developing a drug addiction, i saw all the process, and the shocking thing, i was show the exact same sign, the only thing important was the next fix, the phone call, the mail, the visit, and you stop at nothing, if you call and she cannot reach you, you try and try, and if you cannot get your fix, you get depressed, anger, you start feeling bad, you try again, its i was drugged addicted!!!
It so shocking to see this now, and its so strange that when the women i care so much told she cannot see me anymore,she saved me, she help me, she cured me, its like the addiction cycle was broken, listen to her say she maybe would never would see me again, was hard, very hard, but i cannot explain, we talk face to face, i listen, i told her i could be her friend, i didnt want to lose her friendship, she told me she would think about it, i told i would wait for her to call, to send a sms, i dont if she will call back, i hope she will...
i was praying a lot this last days, i light a lot of candles’, and for a day i was asking myself, i am good and god abandoned me, he left me to hell, and them like a miracle, because she told all does things, i was cured, dont get me wrong, its not easy, but i was cured of this addiction, i cannot explain, i am not an expert on this i just know what i feel, its like all the sudden, i could see the sun, i could start breathing, maybe she telling me she doesnt want to see me, was the best thing in my life, for me and her, i was not a good person, i had lost all my interest in everything, i was good at my sports, i was doing great at a European championship, top 5, and i was not having any interest, any joy, any fun, i couldnt be there, i could be any where, i was just thinking when i get the next phone call, sms, mail, when, can i call back!!! i never expect to be like this, i am glad she ask me to move away, i would have drown her with me, in this sea of negative feelings!!!
i was the worst kind of junkie, a needy person, a jealous one, a demanding one, i was never at peace with myself, i was always struggling, i was always trying to work for the next fix, i realise now, i was not a source of good, i was a source of negative feelings, even when i try to help, i become a mess!! i was not helping, i am just getting my "fix", i was just trying to get the next dose....
I was always stressed, i stop having any joy, job, sport, friends, i was always in despair, in anxious, no peace, i couldnt be alone, i couldnt rest, i couldnt find a moment where i would look at the sea and enjoy the moment, just for it self, no, all i was thinking was, when can i call, when i will get a mail??? and if this didnt happen, i become super stressed...a bad person...
i feel awful when i look at myself and see this, i am now have to read all the posts i did, yes, all the things i say in here are true, i have changed, i am a better person, i grow up, but i was also a mess, part of me was improving, the other part was going in spiral down, i read some of the post, i am honest in what i say, they are true, i will never cheat, i will make a effort every day, i will honest, i will give respect and love to the person i love, but i am also shocked by the desperation in some of the text, if we had by any chance together in last few months we would move towards a very bad split, we wouldn’t be any happy, why?? not because i had not the right feelings, the feelings were right, but i was not, i shocking but real, and its not easy to accept, but i was junkie, i would be insecure, jealous, paranoid, full of fear, always trying to control, to see, keeping asking for reassurance, i would become needy person, i would be worse sort of person, i would be a source of stress, a source of negative feelings!!! No a source of good things, of simple things!! i dont know if i will see her again, i dont know when i will her voice again, but i am ok, i hope we can be friends, i hope she can see that one day...
I am peace with me, i so strange, i lose the thing i care more, and i become at peace with myself, today i stayed home, and it was fine, i didnt had any lonely feeling, i didnt feel any bad, i smile, i am a nice person to my family, i sleep good, i didnt see bad time as a struggle, before i would everything no to go to bed, because i wouldn’t sleep, now i am fine, i am planning things to do, i use to meditate 5 minutes, its not a yoga or self help process, it was tool from my karate times, i would meditate to become a better warrior, i stop about six months ago, i couldn’t get any peace, i am ready to start again!!! I can be alone and be happy, be happy with just me!!! what a difference!!!
I see the sun, its like i was in the dark all this last months, an now i can see the sun, its like i am better, i look myself in the mirror, and i look younger, i true, its like i get younger by 8 -10 years, ok, maybe not that many, but i look younger, my colleagues, my friends, the people around me will be so surprise when they see me again, i am still not back to the old me, a force of nature, but i am getting close!!! all the sudden life is good again!!
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