future!

how will be my future?? this is a question that we all try to answer, we can make plans, we can work for them, we can imagine, but sometimes the future is totally different from what we expect and want, sometimes much better, sometimes much worse, sometimes just different....

i am not where i would expect to be, this is not what i plan, this is not how i would see my future in 2007, or in 2003, or in 1994, all this times the future look different, i had different life plans, different ambitious, hopes, fears...and yet i am here, in a cross road, try to find the right path to follow!!!

in the last two weeks, its like i wake for a depression, from addiction, i was not good, i let my feelings took control, i let my feeling of lost overwhelm me...all my life i look for the right girl, the ONE!!! i meet many girls, had a special passion for 3, in 1982, in 1987 and in 1994, i had affairs, i had some feelings for more girls, but does 3 where special, i had a strong feeling for them, special in 1994, but none was the one, none off them touch my heart and soul, like Anna did, and i didnt see that, i only realise how much i lose, after she left, after i start to see how i also "helped" process of her leaving, by being to self centred...we were so right for each other, but maybe too soon, maybe to early in life....

But i when realize what i lost, and slowly i start to become more stressed, more desperate, i had become a shadow of me, i was not happy, i was insecure, i was jealous, and we were not in a relationship, if we would be back together, maybe i would be cured, because i was so self centred in Anna that i would ok, or maybe not, because i was not right, i was just creating problems everywhere, i could enjoy nothing, so maybe it would have been bad...very bad!!!

now, she says we will be friends, just friends,that she needs time, that maybe she will call me, i promise, i will respect that, that i will not call, that i will not mail, i will wait for her to feel the need to call me, to speak to me, to see, me, but but in my heart i know this will not happen, she is trying to forget me, to take me totally from her life, i hope that i am wrong, i truly hope so, but that is what i feel now...

i can look in the eyes of the future, i am can see the office, my colleagues, my friends, make plans, enjoy the day, enjoy a nice sunny day,  no, no, i am still not well, i still think about her, not all the time, not in a desperate way, but i do, there are things that remind me of her, and before i would feel this pressure in my heart, i would be sad, i would feel bad, now i a smile, i still miss her, but i can control the feelings!!

the future?? i am not chasing any girls, no, i am not going to start chasing girls, some of the guys in one of my sports are going out, chasing girls, and yes, they are all married, and they go out once a month to chase girls, they lie to their wife’s, and go, its 4 guys, one is having an affair for 1 year, the others keep talking how many girls they get, they ask me to go, i said no, i have to honest with me, with what i feel right, with what i believe!!! I don’t want lies, games, deceit, one night stands, no, now I want peace, I want to be able to be enjoy my company, so I can be a good company to others!!!

i am giving a training course in one of my sports to one person who wants to chase me, if Anna knew she would ask??? why??? to hurt me??? to prove anything? Revenge??? no, i would never do that, i hope she knows me better, why i do it???? the real reason is the most strange one, to give my brother a job!!! he need a job, the club can only pay if there is courses, so i start the course, and them i stop, and my brother takes over, i am not a liar, i am not a man you can have two persons in his heart, just one, and there one who is still there, and maybe will never leave, this doesn’t mean i stop living, that i can start with time to chase happiness, but the person will be there for ever...but i cannot stop living, i cannot stop building a happy life, i have no secret plant to implement to try to go back to her...i am now living a day each time!

how will be my life in 2015???? married? single? divorced??? father???? dead??? who knows, no one knows, and i learn that i can make plans, i can try to change live, but life keeps surprising me....i hope is just one thing, that i can be happy with me, that i can be a honest with me, have love in my heart!!!! let see in 2015!!!