Understand

When you understand the reason why something happens, its more easy to deal with it!!! you can see the reasons, you can like it or not, but you can work out why it happen!!!

There is many questions not answered in my life now, there is many things i would like to understand, to have a clear picture, sometimes you dont say everything, you avoid say some things to avoid hurting the other person, but in the end is worse, honesty, when you are honest with you and with others you can have a clear mind!!! peace of mind!!!

It not easy to be fully honest, but its the best way, i have questions, issues, and i would like one day to understand...i dont understand how i was important for some one, we talk a lot, and in a day, this person who i share a life, say she dont think she want ever to see me...why??? i can see two reasons for this, i was bad for her, i was a source of pain, or she have a new love and want me out of her life...and yet i was giving no reason...the reason was i had still feeling for her....

is so bad to know that some still have feelings for you??? its bad that if someone cares for you phones you to know how you are??? specially when you are going through a bad time???i never beg, i never was, can we be back together...please give a chance!!! there was never drama!!! i try to be a supportive person...


there was two situations, that i was not right, and i apologise for it, it was the junkie in me!!! which is gone now...its sad to lose the person you want, the person who you care so much, and because you lose her, because she cuts you,you become a better person for this same person.....its strange..but real!!!

i was told i was pushing to much, its true, this i understand and totaly say, yes, like i said before, i was a junkie!!! that i was trying to control her life, not true, and this is not only me, she has this feeling with the father of her child, i was never sure he was, now i can understand better, he was not, he maybe was just like me to pushy to talk to his child but he was not trying to control her.... i have a bad feeling about the person who is helping Anna, i have the feeling because the person who helped me, that her soul rest in peace, she pass a few days ago, its a great lost to me, the last time i spoke with her, she told me, she was proud of me, that i was able to stand in my own to feet, that i stop being a junkie, that she consider when she first talk to me, she was thinking i was lost, that i was not able to do it, but she alse told me something, that in her job, the line between helping and start to manipulate the life of others is very thin, many times is not even a conciencse process, she said she is not there to choose for me, to give answers, she is there to ask me questions,to show me ways, directions....that is the reason she never told me to give up Anna, that sometimes people say, cut all ties with that person, and they dont know the person, the person history, its a text book advice, she told me, always take your decisions, help, not take decison on behalf  of others...this is something i will always remember, it was the last time i spook with her...and i have the feeling that Anna was giving the advice to cut with me, totaly, because i had feelings, that this would create a extra pressure, that i am not good for her...i dont know....and that is why i dont understand, if you know, if you have the full picture, you not like it, but you can understand...

this is also a last goodbye to the women who help me, who listen to me in an hour of pain, in a time where i was not good, i hope she will be looking after me, i hope she can see me from heavan, and she will know that i am alright!!!

is this a step back??? no, i am just trying to understand why someone who told me that she would never want to lose my friendship, is now saying dont want to see me...i dont understand....maybe there is nothing to understand...maybe this is just my side of the story, maybe Anna have real reasons, maybe she dont want to tell me, because she is my friend, who knows....but in end with time we will conquer everything!!! i will be ok...

what i can say is can sleep at night, that i can smile, that i can start to enjoy things, that i can now start to take pleasure in little things, and this is a huge change from the last months, i am on road to a better future...i am on the road to find myself again!!! 2011 as been a roller coaster year, and its not even finished!!! there is a say in zen, when you are right the master will appear...i am now adapting it to my life, when you are ready for true love, to a family, to be a true partner, love will appear!!!! and i am now i am on the way to be ready, truly ready to find me again!