end?

Yes, it over, she told me she doesnt want to see me any more, it was a shock, i have to confess, that day was very bad, the worse day of my life, you hear the last thing you want, it was so bad, that i was driving, i stop on the highway, i get out of the car and stay still, for more them one hour...all the things rushing in your mind...this was the worse i could imagine...but even in all the pain it had a positive side, it break the junkie in me, i was not good, i was a bad, i was the worse person to me, and all around me!!! i am become a shadow of myself, i stop being me, its so strange, the heart is the right place, but the head, i was losing it!!! so this chapter of my life is closing down...that moment i understood so clear the people who kill themselfs over love, i understood their reasons, i saw trucks passing by me i was in the highway..would be so easy to step forward...the pain and desperation...i cannot put in words that hour of my life, if there is an hell....i have benn there...i know how it feels....i understand the people who take that step in front of upcoming truck....but i would never do that... until that moment i never understood why people jump in front of buses, trucks...trains...after being left...now i do understand...very well....

i had time to think, i had a long drive back home...i was thinking, in the last months, specially the last 3, the only thing i talk with my friends and family was problems, about stress, about negative things!!!! today my life is not perfect, not good....so so so far from this..but i can see i will survive...i can handle life...i am not a junkie...its so strange...i am better now...i am a better person....i am cure from this addicition...


let not getting things wrong, i am not good, there is not switch to turn off all you fell, you dont love one day and the next you dont love...but i am right track to recover, i am dont know if i will ever see or speak with the person who still now means a lot to me, i made her promise, if she wants to talk to me she knows here to find me, i dont know if this will happen, but i have to life with that, i have to move on, sometimes is better to close down, that be in a limbo where you dont know what will happen!!

I still miss her, i still think about her, my heart is not at peace, you cannot stop loving in a second, you are going to need time, i will need time, i will need to be strong, i dont know if i will love again, not like i love now, Anna has left a huge mark in me, it still tough, very tough, but i know now i can survive, that in a strange way its better to know, to leave this coma...

i read the old posts, they are writting with love but also so much desperation, some are almost a cry for help, some are true love, i dont regret what i write, i could delete them, edit them, to look i am fine, to pretend that i what i wrote before was not so like that...no...i will leave them as they were, as a way to show myself, i loved, i love maybe too much, i love in a not good way, the words are there, some actions also, others no...i say i would be patient, i was and i was not...i was patient, for some one who is a junkie....now i am on the road to be ok, if you read all the posts, i can say if i start a life with another person, with a kid or not, all the things i say here i will do them, i learn the value of everything i say in here, by losing her, now i know, now i can look in the eyes of the person who one day will fill my life with love and i can say, that i understand so well what she went when she was living in here, the doubts, the calls at night, asking if i really love her...i know now what she suffer, but that the past is past, i cannot change the past, would change it in heart bit if i could....but i can promise only my future, that will be the road to happniess, and i say this with a clear mind !!!

Now I am on the road to recover, and the biggest part is done, I was afraid that is this happen I would go down, I would have a mental breakdown, but instead no, instead I am still here, in fact I can start be able enjoy the little things, and I promise myself I am not now going to “Casanova” or an asshole who would chase girls just to use them, I am not like that!! some people will not believe that, if they see me talk to a girl they may think, ahhh....there he goes, no, in fact its the oposite, i will help the others, i am helping a person i woulnt help before, just that to learn my sport, there is no other think in there, i made this clear to the other person, i can help you with the sport, if you are looking for a affair, for a boyfriend, look in another place, i am honest!!!

How will be the future??? i dont know, i never even dream about the roller coster of the last 5 years!!!! it was beyond my imaginations, so what will happen now?? i dont know!!! but i know i am a better person in all the ways, i have become a mature, strong, open man and i own all of that to a very special person!!! even now, even this day, i dont regret nothing, i would do all over again!!!!! Anna was the best thing in my life!!!