Help

Help, i need it a while, why i see a doctor? not because of my work, of my life, of the day to day things, went to see a doctor because i felt lost without the person who means everything to me...i went through a very hard period, i was very lost, i was in despair, i didnt know what to do, i had it all, i had the must important thing in life and i let it go away, and all the sudden, it hits you back, it hits like a ton of bricks, you start to realize what a stupid man i was, i could i be so blind? how could i let her go???? why didnt i fight more, and them you start a mad process, which i let took control of my life, maybe to much, i had to much things in my mind, one day one of my friends recommend me a doctor, some one to talk to, this for me was the total opposite what i think, me??? i am strong!! i can ride any trouble!!! i dont need to speak, i am tough guy!!! i dont need any doctor...but you must face reality!!! i am tough, i can handle physical pain well, i can endure stress, but i when love, true love, pure love, the person you care more in life is moving away from you, when you start think about how things were, what did i do, how i behave, them all this macho stories start to fall down!! i went this year from around February, into dark times, it was not easy!!! i was lost, i was not happy, i was starting to be desperate, i was not good!!

So went to see this doctor, i thing i never thinking about doing it, but it was good, she help me a lot, she listen, she didnt talk a lot in the first times, she just listen, she said she wanted to know me, the story, how i was, she told she listen to many people, who speak about love, relationships, how much they love, and she told me, most of the times people go there, to criticize the other part, they never have, a problem, she was surprised that i was so open about my faults, about my lack of being flexible, she told me its not normal for a man, to admit all of that, to admit he was wrong, i was totally honest with her, i broke down twice, i cried twice, its no easy to admit, but i cried...its not easy, its not easy to see that you made so many mistakes, and its more hard the result....

with time she help me changed, she told me, in her life she never saw no one be able to improve as much as me, she told me, you must love this girl very much, and she told only such a force can make a grown man change!!! she never told me, its better to give up, she never told me to stop, she never told how to do, she one day told me, if i start giving ideas, or directions i am not being honest with you, i am here to show you the ways, you have to make decision, she told i was fixed in a routine life, into life centered around me, and i try too much to be a father, to impose my self to my love, she told its was with good intentions, but i shouldnt have done it, i would have give my love more space and say, and always told me, you are not always right, put this in your mind!!!! this is a very important thing for me, i did consider i was always right, i am not, i need to listen, i need to be open....

this person help me, she still does, by me remembering all the conversations we had, this person is now terminal hill, i knew recently, it was shock, cancer, i not fair that God is going to steal her from us, i own a lot to this person, i am a better person because of her, she but me in the right way, without giving me any direction, she would just say, are you listen to what you say??? tape it...and them listen...i did this, and i was shocked sometimes, that couldnt me saying that....kids must be treated like dogs? obedience?  how could i have said that???? but i did and regret it, very much!!!

i am not good now, no, i am still a bit of mess, or a big mess, but i learn, but i have a clear vision of the way to go, i need time to sort myself out,  i hope i dont mess my life, by being to mad...

this blog was her idea, she told me, you need to open your heart, write everything you feel, do it in a honest way, dont be afraid of looking desperate, weak, not macho guy, write what you feel, dont worry about others, not one will find your blog, that is true, not one reads it, but i dont care, i am not writing for others, i am writing to say what goes in my soul, how much love and fear i have, i write to close to women i love, i write to express my feelings, so maybe one day i can show to my love how much i care for her....

and to my doctor, thank you for making me a better person, to make me understand so many things, thank for being there for me!!!